PART ONE

OMG!! The last time I posted on here was in 2020! :O.

1. Some of the information I wrote down at the beginning is already on this site. (That’s okay with me!)
2. After finishing the first draft, I realised that the first part was just me talking about snooker. Hopefully, I wrote it to be enjoyable enough to read.  

While everyone was crying and moaning about being locked up in their homes, I was lucky enough to have my snooker table. So that’s where most of my time went. 

At first, it was a bit tough because back then, I was putting in 16 hours p/w. And once a month, I’ll have a coach for 5 hours on top of that, so 21 hours?  

After a short while, I FINALLY made a 34 break in a frame on the 20 Feb 2022…..

….. and a  59 break in practice on the 22 April 2022 (when I first got my table, I  made a break of 59 straight away, then struggled to get any close to the break for the next five years! ).  The funny thing was that in my head, I counted 60, so I thought I had my highest break already! (That’s probably why I missed the ball!)

(most of these breaks are all on YouTube, by the way)

Then, my body suddenly became uncomfortable with my snooker seat.

( the seat was a cushion I put underneath to give me a few extra inches in height so I could hit the ball better.) 

 I have used it for many years, but I know I can’t use it anymore. It took me a while to decide to try playing snooker without the seat, changing my game (which is not easy to do). It took me a short time. At first, I didn’t like it, but I still put in the practice.

Despite the struggle, somehow, I made a 60 break on 4th May 2022! I admit that after finally getting my highest break, I should feel happy, but I was more annoyed that I missed such an easy pot to continue on the break.

Then, the struggle began. ( I’m laughing now, but I was in a very dark place following that high break!) 

 It wasn’t depression. It was more like snooker depression.  I would feel okay off the table but didn’t feel good as soon as I was on the table.  

The question in your mind right now is, why didn’t you just stop?  

I tried multiple times, but for some reason, I got a carer system, and despite my best efforts, if I have to have a carer, I’m playing snooker. 

 I can’t think of anything else to do.  I’m now confused, and I HAVE to have carers for whatever reason. That means I HAVE to play snooker. 

 The sport I once loved, I grew to hate!

(One of the reasons I grew to hate the game is that when I’m on a high break and start to feel good about my game, the carers mess around, and my concentration is gone. I miss such an easy pot, and that break ends, and I’m now annoyed at myself. Now I have to wait days, maybe weeks before I get another opportunity again…. It was just wasting my time!!) 

I wasn’t seeing any improvement in my game whatsoever. Those 16(21) hours a week were catching up to me fast. At the beginning of 2022, I had to make some changes, so I did, and now my hours went from 16 hours per week down to 4-6 hours.

I was getting nervous again. I didn’t see any improvement in my game for a LONG TIME! 

It took me until the summer of 2023 before I started to see any improvement in my game. In June 2023, I finally got my highest frame break of 43! I just got unlucky!

Then something clicked!

I can’t pinpoint why, but my game suddenly became super consistent. 

 Is it the realisation that I don’t have to hit the ball so hard to activate the effect or that my headspace was better? I asked my snooker coach, and he couldn’t explain this sudden improvement, which I find funny!  

Whatever the reason, I was potting the balls in more cleanly and effortlessly!

However… 

With this sudden improvement, getting to 50+ was a lot easier now. However, a new problem was now showing up. I quickly noticed that every time I get close to 50, there will always be something in the background that takes my focus away, and then I miss an easy ball and have to start again.  

Just getting to 50 was tough enough as it is! 

(I made one video that comes to mind! I would like to know if I can find it. Let me have a look…..)

(I realise that there’s a possibility that some people might not want to watch YouTube videos, so I explain it.  I was practising the lineup drill, and im on 38 break. I was setting myself for the pink ball when I heard a car noise outside.  You can see the disappointment on my face as I reset myself.  I was so nervous to take the pot. I finally hit the ball, and the pink ball dropped, luckily. 

I took the next red, and I was setting up for the pink again, a more straightforward shot. I heard the car door again. Now, I was getting frustrated. I quickly took the shot, and luckily, the pink went in. However, I put too much power into the cue, and the next play was simple yet horrible. As I moved around the table to get the pink ball on his spot,  the front door opened, and Father called out.  I was trying so much to concentrate on the table.  Then, Father just stands at the doorway. He was just standing there, nothing else.   My eyes were fixed on the table, trying to prepare for the next play. TWO WHOLE MINUTES LATER, he finally walked away, and I took the shot and missed it by miles!  My focus was gone, and I missed such an easy play!  

)          

5months later….

I made two high breaks within days of each other:

Very quickly made a 63 break (off camera) 

Very soon after that, I made a 70 break!!  

Even today, I can’t tell you how I made that 70! I got SUPER LUCKY! 

Now full of confidence, I decided to try an even more challenging practice!

The practice is called a T practice, which means that your control of the cue ball needs to improve. 

To my surprise, I settled pretty nicely into the practice, and on my first “real attempt,” I made a 50-break (despite the brake from my chair snapping off). I like the control of this one! (I didn’t hit any other ball to get in position for the next ball!) 

(just one tiny mistake at the end ruined the break! 🙁) 

I tried the T again a month later and got a 61 break! Somehow haha 

I took three weeks off in December, where I took a much needed break from the table, well, everything. 

I returned in January, and with very little table time, I made a 79 break!!!! 

Again, I only lost concentration because of outside interference (AGAIN!). 

( I had a GOOD CHANCE to attempt the magic 100 break!

I had two goals in snooker:

1. Firstly, to make a 100 break! 
2. Secondly, I wanted to clear up the table!  )

i was SO CLOSE!!

January I turned 20?…. (HAHA, I wish) I meant to say 30!! As always, I did nothing special on my birthday; it was just a trip to the snooker hall! 

My big 30 present came in Feb, which I was looking forward to!!

 I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of nights now.  I decided to share a tiny bit!

 (Believe it or not, I will do what I can to keep some experiences for myself!) 

17th Feb was the day for a 30th birthday present.

 For the first time in ages, I was super excited to go on a big trip like this.  I did as much preparation as possible (I started at the end of 2023; I re-read the books, re-watched all eight movies twice, played all the games, and watched too many videos on YouTube.)  I was SUPER PREPARED!  

I have never been to WB “The Making of Harry Potter” before, and to begin to share this trip with my childhood best friend made the trip even more special. 

We started the two-hour car ride to my friend’s house at one o’clock and arrived on time.  My friend’s house is a tiny family home, and my chair can only fit between the walls.  I ended up taking control of the chair, and I don’t think I hit anything….  haha.  

Anyway, we stopped for lunch. It was nice to catch up with everyone. I honestly can’t remember the last time I met with most of the family. Ofcourse, the main topic was Harry Potter, and I was asked if I was excited to go. 

“I said, of course I was excited to go.”  

I told them about all the preparation I had done. My friend was excited, too. The only difference was that she was showing it more on the outside, ha. She was almost bouncing off the walls!!! 

After an hour and a half, it was time to leave. My father, my friend, and her dad and I entered my father’s car and began the journey. I was shocked that it was only a short drive to the WB building.  I guess it depends on the traffic. 

We got there, found a parking space, picked up a ‘carer’ badge for my father, and went inside the HP building. 

(I’m purposely leaving out details)

  We were still a little early, so we went to the cafeteria. Our dads went to get some drinks while my friend and I went to grab a table. We looked around for ‘Easter eggs’ related to the movies. (We found a couple!)

  A short while later, we started seeing people queuing up, so we joined them. 

The first couple of rooms were photo rooms?  Basically, there was a storyboard timeline of the movies.  

During this walk,  I was more wondering what the devil my father was doing!! He left me to push myself ( this was at a slow enough pace that I could keep up anyway).  I was so puzzled by my father’s action of taking photos of random stuff it seems, (im not 100% sure) before the tour even started that I said to my best friend, “Just for this trip, do you want to swap dads?”  she laughed and said, “No way you stuck with him!”. We both burst out with laughter.

 Then, when enough people were gathered, we entered into a couple of video rooms, given an introduction or a warm welcome, which was what we could expect. honestly, this felt like it dragged on too long, ha, or maybe that’s my excitement coming out! 

 Lastly, we all got seated in  …. almost… ummm, almost like a movie theatre, honestly, ha.  Even the staff said that we were watching all the movies in one sitting (of course it was a joke).

Then, when the video ended with something like “Please enjoy the tour…” the screen lifted, revealing the giant doorway behind it. I was in amazement. I didn’t expect it, ha.  

 Everyone was slowly gathering around the spokesperson. I was in the middle, and my best friend was beside me.  

At some point, the spokesperson asked the group, “So… Is anyone’s birthday today?” No one raised their h…… 

“RIGHT HERE!!, BIRTHDAY BOY RIGHT HERE!!!”  I looked to my left and saw my friend bouncing on her feet with both hands pointing at me. The spokesperson was gesturing for me to go to the front of the group.

  At first, a wave of embarrassment hit me, and I hid within myself, only for a second, though, then I quickly thought, screw it, and now the second wave was full of confidence, and I started moving to the front of the group.  Physically, I was struggling a little bit, so my friend gave me a gentle push to help me out.  

Once I was in front, the spokesperson told me, When I say, “On a count of three, put your hands on the doors and give it a massive push.”  I nodded. “Um, um, yes”, he was now finishing his script, and then he turned to me, “One, two and three”, and on three, I gave the massive doors a big push…

And now the tour begins…..

That’s all I’m going to write about! 

Leaving it on a cliffhanger!!  Sorry!

I really want you to experience the tour for yourself. If you’re a fan of the books or the movies, I highly recommend it. We were all there for 5 or 6 hours, and my best friend and her dad definitely enjoyed every second of it!

I think my father enjoyed it, I can’t tell? 

I quickly noted that my father was off on his own for the whole trip, leaving me with my best friend and her dad.  

I didn’t mind at all, haha. 

I was having too much fun staying with my best friend, slowly pacing around the tour and taking in as many details as possible. 

I had a blast; it is possibly the best trip or experience I will have this year.

PART TWO

It turns out I was right!!

( I realise that the year is still young.) However, in March, I let my dog out for a toilet break and then went to the toilet myself. Within 2 minutes, the dog was barking, and I couldn’t do anything because I was ‘busy’. 

BANG BANG,

 I heard a noise, and at first, I ignored it. Of course, the dog went off again because of the banging. 

(Something that my dog has been doing now for nine years).

  I got up and got cleaned up.  I was washing my hands and about to leave the bathroom.

BANG, BANG, BANG BANG BANG!!

That scares the sh!t outta me!!

 I put up the CCTV on my phone and saw…..

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!!

Again, I jumped out of my skin.

 I retreated to the bathroom to watch out for the furious man out my front door.  The dog was now indoors at this point, but I wouldn’t dare leave the bathroom!  It took him about five minutes ( it felt longer) to finally start walking away.  I waited till he walked down the pathway and round the corner of the street till I couldn’t see him anymore. When I was in the clear, I rushed to the backdoor, shut and locked the door, grabbed a treat or toy, and got my dog in the front room.  

My heart was pounding, and then I went onto my Mac and texted and called my father. I had to wait four hours until Father finally got to my house.

father went away next door to ‘talk’ with him….. When he returned, he got my dog and took him back to his house. I wanted to go with him, but the house wasn’t ‘suitable’ for me to stay at.  

The following week, I briefly saw my dog for about 10-20 minutes before he went to my father’s house again. My father was slowly gathering stuff so I could stay with him.  

However, he was going on holiday for the week, which might mean that most of the stuff won’t get sorted until after his dumb holiday!  

I was fuming!!

I felt extremely uncomfortable and vulnerable in the house I have been living in for 8-9 years now! 

That week, while Father was on holiday, I had the carers, physio, and dog walker first pick up my dog and bring him to me. We did whatever job needed doing, and afterwards, they would take my dog back to Father’s house. (Father’s mum was at Father’s house so she could look after him. )

While I was home watching my dog come and go, I saw him at most for 30-40 minutes before leaving.

That was the longest I’d spent apart from my dog, and I HATED it.

 This meant I was in my house alone, stressed (my heart rate was super high almost the entire time), unable to think and eat, sleep and deep in my thoughts. 

I was going deeper and deeper into the black void of nothingness. 

Somewhere I am now very familiar with!  

…….

The week was over, and Father was back on holiday. After a couple of days, my father had a ‘basic’ setup, and I was able to stay at my father’s house now.

I got a dog trainer to help with the dog’s barking and tried my best to follow her training. We were making some progress.

In the weeks following, it was clear that I didn’t feel safe at my house with or without my dog brought there. So, very rapidly, I felt like I was spending all my time at my father’s house now.

So I went from living in my own house to living in a one-bedroom flat in the corner of my father’s front room. It has a bed, desk, and computer screen connected to a PS5.

————————————————————————————————————–

I did have 842 words describing in detail and examples of what living back at my father’s house was like. However, I wonder if I’m going into too much detail now.  

(I doubt my family read any of my writings; I never hear anything.) 

I guess the best way is to summarise the experience.

The only way to describe the experience is that, having moved back into my father’s house, I now face the “old challenge” of being independent or dependent again.

Will I ever escape from this challenge!!

I’m so tired of this part of my life.

 One moment, I’m told that I have to make decisions myself, and the next, the decision is made for me. 

I know I said I try to keep it simple, but I have to give one (editing note—there are many, haha) example.

One of them has to be the food situation.

 First, I can’t cook something from scratch unless it’s in a very specialised kitchen, and I have YEARS of experience (which I don’t have). 

 However, with the right equipment, I might be able to….. Make a sandwich, let’s say (buttering the bread is a pain in the butt) 

 or 

What else is simple? Maybe heat something in the microwave? Umm, with that, I have to be careful!  

 What else? Oh, in theory, I could make myself a hot drink. Again, you must be super careful, especially in a “noisy” house like Father’s, so maybe it’s not wise. So not, really. 

ANYWAYS, I’m not totally hopeless by myself!

Trying to get the message across to the people in the household is near impossible.  Too many times to count, I have to hear…

“Tom, do you want anything? Food or drink?” 

In the same cases, when I say “no, thank you” or just “nope,” I get ignored, and I still end up with a drink I didn’t want.

Or 

As a wheelchair user, I do not require much food during the day. Usually, one medium meal will do it for me. But if I reject the food offer, I am reminded that I need at least three meals daily. If I eat three meals daily, I do not feel great that day or the next! I feel really bloated and gassy.

———————————————————————————————————– 

The other annoying thing is that I now mix with a “normal family home.” 

(this family is anything but normal) 

Before I explain, remember that im an introvert. I am an extreme introvert. (I have no idea if that is a thing)  This means that ANYTIME im in a social environment ( one-on-one or a group), my ‘battery’ zaps dry quickly, and I have zero energy left for the rest of the day. 

Which is a pain. Especially if I have a to-do list, I plan to do it that day!

With that in mind!

I am now living in a house where there’s an underlined rule that I HAVE TO BE SOCIABLE. Every day, there’s an expectation for me to have some conversation. It doesn’t matter if it’s small talk or engaging in a lengthy discussion; I HAVE to be a part of it. EVERYDAY!!

Now, remember that there are 365 days a year, 52 weeks, and seven days a week (I hope I got that right, ha). That is a lot of talking! I find most of the talking to be SO BORING AND REPETITIVE! I feel like a robot or a broken record or read the same script for the hundredth time.

Also, remember that I rarely get out of the house, so I never get any chance to be on my own to experience anything new. 

(It is a miracle that I have so much to write about, considering my life is so dull sometimes! )

 Most people in their 20s-30s either go out and hang out with their friends, or I have seen some of them go on “soul-searching adventures” before settling down and beginning their lives into adulthood.

Or, like me, you come from a sporting background, and I feel like now, with my skills at the level, I should be travelling the world to competitions to test my skills with other people. (Or they should be!) 

 (I was about to say other people with disabilities. However, I don’t want to limit myself, and I could give anyone a challenging game! ) 

 This is extremely difficult for someone with zero social skills! 

Also, remember that I don’t have a life or hobbies or go on any ‘life-changing adventures’ like most people in their 20s or 30s seem to be experiencing.

—————————————————————————————————-

I guess that’s everything!

Or

At least the main parts, I could have gone into every tiny detail, which im happy to do however I do want to finish the blog someday. I think I got all the main parts written down at least.

I know it’s only May; who knows what will happen the rest of the year? 

Personally, I would love to start a writing project again, but that’s going to be difficult…  so I can’t see myself doing anything interesting for the rest of the year.

 The only thing I have to look forward to is that right now my life is so unbalanced, physically, mentally and in any other forms, I’m all over the place.  The worst part of this is that I have NO IDEA  where to start to begin the ‘healing process’.  

Is almost like im waiting for change to happen!

And

I fully understand that if you want change to happen, you will be waiting a lifetime for it. 

If you want to change, YOU have to make it happen. 

So I feel stuck. 

I think iv finished this blog, i can’t think of anything else to say.  

If you made it to the end of this blog, thank you. If you have any ideas or suggestions of topics for me to expand upon, please leave a comment below.  

I might as well have a cheeky ad for my book. If you’re interested, click on the button to take you to the book page.